Our fear of death leads to a diminished life. What do we do, to avoid taking death into account as an integral part of life? Avoid thinking about it? Avoid awareness that we will certainly part from our loved ones? Avoid contact with death, unless it’s fictionalised in movies or on TV? Avoid talking about it?
That takes a lot of energy, even if all this organisation of our behaviour does operate largely unobserved. In fact, remaining unaware of how we are organised emotionally is an important part of ignoring death. We cultivate the habit of inattention. For example, after my prostate cancer diagnosis, and before my operation, I took special care of my diet, my exercise, and healing meditations. However, after the operation, I noticed that I wasn’t putting my usual energy into care for myself. I got curious as to what this was about.
I already knew, directly, that there was some bodily shock due to the operation, but I hadn’t sat myself down to specifically say ‘Hello’ in a Focusing kind of way to that ‘shocked part’ of me. So, I consciously made an opportunity to do that.
Underneath all the usual, familiar thought patterns, there was a part of me saying, in a distressed tone, “This wasn’t meant to happen.” That is, cancer wasn’t part of the deal, it said. It was a kind of refusal to believe in reality; kind of saying “No, I don’t want reality, if this is what it involves.” How could I be anything but compassionate with such a short-sighted one? I acknowledged it, so as not to judge it.
And, as I write this, I remember that a friend says, as spiritual advice: “Say ‘Yes’ to all offers!” It’s a good slogan. However, in this context, that doesn’t mean imposing a ‘Yes’ over the top of a pattern of “No.” The way to say “Yes,” to reality, in this instance was to empathise with this young part of me.
“Yes. You’re there. You feel like cancer wasn’t in the deal.” This was an implicit ‘Yes’ to the reality that I had just survived cancer; and, it was a ‘Yes’ acknowledging that a reactive “No” was in me. That way I was not identifying with my content, and so it didn’t take up much space in me. The reaction didn’t feel like it was all of me, and I was thereafter able to pick up the ball on my healthcare, again. Big ‘Yes’ is not opposed to the preferential ‘Yes’ and ‘No.’
Life’s interesting. We don’t get the life we plan, though parts of us try hard for that. The life we do live is made up of the interaction of our body, speech and mind in a dance with the big process – a big process which includes cells that do their own thing regardless of the greater whole. What I do, say, and think matters, but isn’t the whole story. I bow to that dance. Death, in all kinds of ways is, in actuality, a part of the dance.
Which reminds me of a helpful teaching from Atisha: The causes of birth are few, but the causes of death are many. Acknowledging this may help me feel the deep confusion, sorrow and anger of our resisting ‘selves,’ who want to dance solely on their terms.
So, this provides another instance of how we may experience a kind of death: in the humiliation that comes when reality meets my conceit that my life is ‘mine.’ It’s best not to waste one’s precious energy in fighting the delusions, here. For me it’s best to smile and call on a soft-bellied breath, because I’m bound to meet this again and again. The art of this practice is to be ready – including ready to say “Yes” to the already-arisen “No!”