Kent: He doesn’t want to be alone. Being alone is really scary. If someone wants him, then he doesn’t feel all alone.
[Here we spent some time receiving the feelings and beliefs of the ‘child’ pattern. Uppermost were the feelings of abandonment, and of having no value. This, again, is an example of an erroneous concept; that is, that Kent’s well-being is dependent on how a childhood pattern (an ‘inner child’) versions him. Most people are victims of their unawareness of the power of such versions of themselves.
Then his inquiry shifted to a more existential level; that is, the child’s belief was that if he had ‘someone else’ – or even just had a longing for someone else – that would make him feel like he is a separate someone, “in here looking out.” (Delight, self-bias and dualistic perception.) Again, staying with his changes with kind, curious acceptance meant that the longing was able to move in him, and to change.
Notice that we can cling to the experience of having a longing. We cling for what such a desire can do for our ego functioning. That we are longing can feel pleasant, . This way, the longing plays a role in keeping ego structures in place. During inquiry, such longings can play the part of fending off the feeling of dying, which comes with one’s ego structures dissolving.
Now, in Kent’s session, a shift happened that was dramatic.]
Kent: He doesn’t want to be alone.
Christopher: He’s scared and alone.
Kent: Right. (Suddenly he draws a deep breath). Ooh! Holy cow! Oh, my God, that’s scary.
Christopher: Yes?
Kent: He feels he’s going to disappear!
[Definitely an erroneous concept, when it’s applied to the person, Kent. The person easily thinks that he’s going to disappear, at this point, if he is identified with the child.]
Christopher: Oh, I see. Interesting. Can you say more?
Kent: Well, if mum’s not there… then, who is he here, in here? (He has a intake of breath, and looks a little like he’s rising up the back of his chair.)
[Notice the strength, now, of the wilfulness, the desiring, and the wish to move away from unpleasant experiences (like and disliking); putting the person in conflict with himself and others.]
Christopher: So, to me, he looks like he’s moving away from something?
Kent: Yes, away from an engulfing emptiness; but the trouble is, the emptiness seems to be everywhere.
Christopher: So, ask him: “What’s so bad about the emptiness?”
Kent: Annihilation. He’ll disappear altogether.
Christopher: Oh, no wonder he is frightened, if that’s what he thinks. Let him know you can hear what he says.
(Wait for that step to happen.) Do you have a feel for which part of the body resonates with this feeling of empty everywhere?
[I invite him to bring his body into awareness – keeping him com-bodied (old term: embodied), so that mindfulness can happen. In this section we have a few examples of dichotomous thinking, of dualistic perception. For example, when Kent identified with the child processes, he is thinking about his life in terms of ‘I exist now’ and ‘I won’t exist in the next moment.’ This is a primary dualistic category: exist/not-exist. There is ‘something’ and ‘nothing,’ and these appear to the non-investigating mind to be irreconcilable. That’s because this emptiness is deficient emptiness (a term Almaas uses). When true emptiness is recognised, it is liberating because it exceeds opposites.
The next moves require courage of Kent’s part, which he has developed through his mindfulness and meditation practice, over the preceding couple of years.]
Kent: Actually, it feels like it’s right down the central channel.
[A yogi’s term, roughly equivalent of down the core of his body.]
Christopher: Great. Can you be aware of your legs, your hands, and your breathing, and include that sense of an emptiness down the centre of you?
Kent: (Silent, while he does what I suggest.) Yes, it’s weird… I know I’m here, but I don’t feel like I exist.
Christopher: Sounds like there’s a lot of space.
Kent: (He looks surprised by the suggestion and takes time to investigate.) Nothing but space! That’s it!
Christopher: Again, you’re okay about being a person, here, right? Breathing in and out. There is this body?
Kent: Yes. That’s okay. And I can feel the power in the centre. But, where is my self?
Christopher: There’s you the person, Kent, sitting in the chair. And you’re experiencing a lot of spacious awareness. And take your time… notice that the space is sensitive space, right?
Kent: (Silence for a couple of minutes.) Yes, I think so. Do you mean, like… there’s this light everywhere?
Christopher: Yes, that’s it. It’s a kind of knowing, but its special quality is that it lacks location. You would normally think you see from it, but here there’s no from, right?
[The dualistic thinking that can arise, here, is that appearance and space should not be the same. We should, the ego thinks, be in a space where there is here, there and in-between. However, this is actual experience, experience in the wild – it’s not experience shaped by logic, which has opposites. I keep him body-near, because the body doesn’t have opposites.]
Kent: That’s it! It’s nowhere.
Christopher: And, everywhere. So, relax into that spacious clarity, and tell me what happens next. Surrender into it.
Kent: (Silent for several minutes, then a relieved sigh.) It’s like golden love.
Christopher: Really? Love has arisen. How lovely. (Laughs)
Kent: (Quietly weeps, in a gentle, relieved kind of way.) Yes. It’s so very… (inaudible).
Christopher: (After a time, not to rush…) Is the love host or guest?
Kent: It’s me. I’m the love. It’s pervading everywhere. There’s nothing but love.
Christopher: It’s the host. Spend some time letting your body have that, that’s for sure.
“All appearances are change.”
When ones sees this through wisdom,
Then one forgoes the unsatisfying.
This is the path of purity.
“All appearances are unsatisfying.”*
When ones sees this through wisdom,
Then one one forgoes the unsatisfying.
This is the path of purity.
“All things are without self-substance.”
When ones sees this through wisdom,
Then one one forgoes the unsatisfying.
This is the path of purity.
*compared to spiritual freedom (nibbāna).
– Dhammapada, verse 277-279. Translated Christopher J. Ash